Skip to main content

tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  September 27, 2012 11:25am-12:00pm PDT

11:25 am
>> stephen: welcome to the "report." it's good to have you with us! thank you, ladies and gentlemen. (cheers and applause) (audience chanting "stephen") (cheers and applause) >> stephen: folks, thank you so much for joining us. good to have you with us. folks, it is almost midnight on i don't mean yom kippur, the jewish day of atonement, filled with somer reflection and profound regret-- that i had to give my writers the day off. (laughter) come back, fellas, god forgives you. (laughter) (whispering) but i never will. i'd also like to toast my jewish viewers who are breaking fast
11:26 am
tonight. to life! or, as your people say, aloha! (laughter) to the rest of my viewers out there, i'm afraid i have some tragic news. jim? >> the financial times reports drought conditions here in the u.s. say that it's destroyed crops used to feed pigs. the pig association says it became too expensive for farmers to buy pig feed so they reduced their herds. the national pig association is reporting of an "unavoidable global bacon shortage." >> stephen: a global bacon shortage! we're all going to die! much later than we thought thanks to the reduced salt and nitrates in our diet. (applause) still, we will all eventually die-- and without bacon in my mouth. (laughter) this is unthinkable! without bacon what will k.f.c. put between the two slices of
11:27 am
chicken in the double down? roast beef? that's unnatural! you go to hell. (laughter) well, i for one am going to be ready for the coming a-pork-alypse. (laughter) i am presently building an underground shelter and stocking it with all the salted hog meat i can find. bacon, pancetta, proscuitto, hamhocks, canned ham, john hamm. (laughter) oh-- he looks salty. (laughter) nation, they say that this bacon shortage is caused by global warming and crop failure. but i believe this bacon shortage is a conspiracy. a ba-con-spiracy. (laughter) just think about it, okay? who's not supposed to eat bacon? well, jews, first. but most of the jews i know do anyway. (laughter)
11:28 am
once again, aloha. (laughter) no, i'm talking about the really observant jews. muslims. (laughter) they won't even touch bacon! which means this bacon shortage is nothing less than creeping sharia law! and you know who i blame? barack obama. (laughter) oh, i have been warning you for years about his kowtowing to islamic extremists. well, now the chicken shawarma has come home to roost-- in a catastro-pita. during the past arab spring obama let radical imams lead an uprising against our radical friends in the middle east. >> you go back to the beginning of the arab spring and this administration did everything in its power to dislodge two key u.s. allies-- hosni mubarak and moammar qaddafi. knowing the replacements would be muslim brotherhood and other
11:29 am
islamists. >> well, it's a new-- if they knew that i am angrier than i am now. >> stephen: oh my-- oh, my god! sean hannity is capable of being angrier at any given moment than he actually is at that moment! (laughter) he has torn a rift in the space-anger continuum! (laughter) folks, obama's complete lack of loyalty to our murderous dictator allies doesn't just enrage me-- and the loud hole at the top of sean hannity's neck-- it also is raising a red flag for texas congressman and forehead american louie gohmert. jim? >> thank you, president barack hussein obama. he has helped jump start a new ottoman empire. you look across tunisia, libya, egypt and iraq and iran and syria, lebanon, you look and you go, oh, my gosh, this is the
11:30 am
makings, this is the beginnings of massive beginnings of a new ottoman empire that president obama can take great credit for. >> stephen: you heard him right. the ottoman empire. it ruled the middle east for over 600 years until it finally collapsed in 1922. or did it? (cheers and applause) (laughter) it did. (laughter) but according to gohmert the ottoman empire is making a comeback with the help of barack obama. and we don't stand a chance, folks! the ottomans were known for their formidable weaponry. razor-sharp scimatars that could lop off your head and comfy padded foot stools that could trip up dick van dyke. (laughter) so get ready to go back to the days of suleiman the magive in
11:31 am
sent and mepl mehmed the meh. our young men will be conscripted into the janissarys to guard the circumcision pa civil von at topkapi pal lals. mark my words. also, look them up on wikipedia. (laughter) congressman gohmert know it is economic impact this whole on our vital spice routes! oh, i hope you enjoy paying 13 kurus for a dram of fenugreek. suddenly gormeh sabzi is only a sometimes food. (laughter) and do not think that this new ottoman empire is going to be contained to the middle east. soon it will sharia creep on to american shores. and the next thing you know cat dealy is hosting "so you think you can dervish."
11:32 am
(applause) we must fortify the city walls! we must call out the pikemen! prepare for the siege! ready the venetian fleet! (laughter) >> steven, we have reached your defenses! >> mustafa! you ottoman dog! >> yes, it is i, mustafa, grand viz year of the turkic hoard. welcome to obama's ottoman america! you'll be forced to play the ood eat carob and learn algebra. >> you monsters! >> now, steven, might i interest you in some turkish delight? (laughter) >> stephen: no! no! no thank you. >> oh, it's a tender candy scented with rose water. >> stephen: rose water? oh, that does sound delightful! i shall try one! oh! (laughter)
11:33 am
oh, it is scrumptious. >> ha ha ha! now you're mine! come join my harem. >> stephen: no, no! you've got to fight ottoman delicacy with an anti-ottoman delicacy. a croissant. yes, the croissant, created in 1683 to celebrate the victory over the ottomans at the battle of vienna. its crescent shape marks the moon upon your plant. >> no, not the light and flaky pastry of my people's darkest hour! >> stephen: b gone, turk! >> no! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: oh-- thank you. thank you, congressman louie gohmert for warning us against
11:34 am
the ottoman menace. but remember, sir, you're from texas. obama's probably also reviving the empire of montezuma and his as tech warriors on quetzalcoatl's back! we'll be right back! (cheers and applause)
11:35 am
11:36 am
11:37 am
11:38 am
(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody, thanks so much. now, before the break i told you how louie gohmert had revealed
11:39 am
barack obama's secret plan to resurrect the ottoman empire by denying us bacon. (laughter) yet another reason we must elect mitt romney. now, unfortunately, the latest quinnipiac/"new york times"/cbs/t.c.b.y. poll has obama up by ten points in ohio, nine points in florida and 12 points in pennsylvania. (cheers and applause) i don't get it. i don't get it, folks. how can romney be behind? he's so popular that his fans are releasing bootlegs of his speeches! (laughter) folks, don't believe the critics who say this campaign doesn't have a prayer. he's going to have plenty of prayers-- thank thanks to a new web site called >> all around us we see a nation falling around us into attacks on religious liberty. we're asking pastors and
11:40 am
congregations all over america to commit to 40 days of prayer, fasting, and action. prayer plus fasting plus action equals change. >> stephen: that's amazing. because usually prayer plus fasting plus action equals passing out. (laughter) now, the hero-- (applause) the hero behind this project is texas pastor rick scarborough who last august helped launch rick perry's presidential campaign with the stadium prayer rally and god responded with a polite "no thank you." (laughter) but pastor scarborough did credit the rally with ending the drought in texas. so clearly his prayers work on natural disasters, which is a perfect match for the romney campaign. (laughter) now scarborough insists that these 40 days of prayer which start this friday and just happen to end on election day is a non-partisan event because he
11:41 am
is totally not a partisan. >> i'm not a republican, i'm not a democrat, i'm a christocrat. (laughter) >> stephen: so please join him even if you're a jewpublican. (laughter) again, aloha. (laughter) now, folks, this prayer will help mitt romney win over undecided voters-- especially the biggest undecided voter of them all, god. i mean, he may be all-knowing but he would still like to know a little bit more about mitt's tax returns. (laughter) in fact, god is three undecided voters-- the father, the son, and the holy spirit. and you've got to figure the son is leaning obama what with the long hair and the loaf and fish handouts to the poor. get a job, hippy! (laughter) (cheers and applause) can't stay 33 forever. move out of your mom's house. (laughter) but mitt, mitt has still got a
11:42 am
shot with the old man. he's right in mitt's core demo-- he's old, male, vengeful, and he lives in a gated community. (laughter and applause) so right now i'm going to engage in a little targeted adverpraying. let me get out my lucky prayer hat right here. (laughter) and put on my patented prayer hands. jesus, never mind. now, folks, mitt niece real trouble so i'm afraid i have to go negative. (laughter) almighty father, almost four years ago president obama promised hope and change, but a lord and creator of the universe was this the change you wanted. the democrats left you off their
11:43 am
convention platform and they want to force your servants to provide birth control to ther who of babylon. (laughter) obama punishes the job creators. just imagine how he'll treat the job creators. it's time to send obama a message-- maybe a river of blood or locusts, or losing ohio. (laughter) because barack obama isn't just wrong for the nation, he's wrong for creation. so, god, remember. on november 6-- a day which you are already in and will always be in for a time of eternity-- vote mitt romney. but bring photo i.d. because they're really cracking down. i'm stephen colbert and i pray this message. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) we asked over 3,000 doctors to review 5-hour energy
11:44 am
11:45 am
and what they said is amazing. over 73 percent who reviewed 5-hour energy said they would recommend a low calorie energy supplement to their healthy patients who use energy supplements. seventy-three percent. 5-hour energy has four calories and it's used over nine million times a week. is 5-hour energy right for you? ask yodoctor. we already asked 3,000.
11:46 am
11:47 am
11:48 am
(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody, my guest tonight has written a new book which he describes as an existential detective story. he never tells you who did it because what's the point? please welcome jim holt! (cheers and applause) hey, what's going on there, mr. molt? nice to see you! is it mr. molt, dr. holt? >> mr. holt. >> stephen: okay, you're not one of those fancy doctors of thought guys. >> i'm a drop dropout. >> stephen: good. you're an essayist and a critic on philosophy, mathematics and science and you have a new book called "why does the world exist: an existential detective story." >> you say that sarcastically. (laughter) >> stephen: that's as sincere as i get. (laughter) first question: why does world exist exist?
11:49 am
(laughter) what led you to write this book? >> good question. i was raised in a very religious family. >> stephen: what kind? >> catholic. >> stephen: how religious were you? >> i said the rosary. i did--. >> stephen: basic stuff, basic stuff. >> i confessed my sins. >> stephen: are you still catholic? >> no. >> stephen: well then how religious could your family have been? evidently they failed. >> yeah, they told me this story that the world exists because god--. >> stephen: in the beginning. >> exactly. there's already a book about that, by the way. (laughter) so you listened and then at some point you said i don't buy it. >> i began to have doubts and i want to know why the universe exists. if there's a reason i want to know that and god might be the reason, you may believe that but you know,--. >> stephen: you should care about this mystery because it's the last sebastian against the creeping scientific secularism. >> i'm glad you with it. i've talked to your physicists,
11:50 am
your koz meteorologists, string theory guys and i always say why is there something instead of nothing? why is there? did you ask anybody that? >> yeah, yeah. the equation is god plus nothing equals a world. so take god out of the equation, what do you replace it with? physicists want to replace him with scientific laws. but what are scientific laws? how-- as steven hawking said, they're equations. how does an equation inform the abyss that it's somehow pregnant with beings? what breathes fire and makes those universes? >> stephen: are you a poet? this is beautiful. (applause) you might be the first guest whose book i read. (laughter) for me answer is god. okay? god said let it be so and so the world was so. i find that very comforting. and i find that very freeing because i-- my questioning stops
11:51 am
right there. but your questioning continues. do you not find this questioning that goes on in your mind like just-- like a hot match that's been dropped between the two lobes of your brain and just sit there is and it fizzles and pops and burns and keeps you up at night? >> yeah, yeah. >> stephen: put it out! put that match out with the quenching water of faith! (laughter) >> okay, okay. god may exist, may not exist. >> stephen: he does go. ahead. (laughter) >> it could be part of the problem. >> stephen: part of the problem? >> part of the problem. why does god exist? god is eternal--. >> stephen: because it pleases him to do so. >> but he might be puzzled by his own existence. maybe he-- if he exists maybe he created the world because he was bored with pondering his own image and the mystery of it. but if you look at the universe, what kind of god could have created this universe? it's an ugly universe, there are 37 families of elementary particles, it's a mess.
11:52 am
it's a botched job. a botched job. if there's a god he is 100% malicious but only 80% as effective and that would pretty much explain the world. (uncomfortable laughter) >> stephen: well, you're being kind of tough on the creator of everything. when was the last time you created everything? (laughter) >> i'm equally tough on physicists. in fact i think the efforts to take the place of god using physical laws is a big failure. so there ought to be more suspects out there that can resolve this mystery. >> is there anything other than god or the physical sciences that you came up with? >> i-- one great thinker sir roger penrose. he believes in platonic ideas, he believes in abstrat mathematical entities and the world is ushered into this existence of platonic ideas.
11:53 am
>> stephen: so somewhere out there there is a realm of the platonic ideas and we know these people-- because how closely it resembles the platonic ideal. >> that's the thing. >> stephen: maybe. (laughter) you know what modern thinker said that was insane? aristotle said that was insane! that one's been debunked for a couple millennia. >> it's true. so why does sir roger penrose, one of the greatest living physicists believe in it? >> stephen: maybe i should let him explain it. well, thank you so much for joining me. jim holt. the book is "why does the world exist?" we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) [ male announcer ] precision. at lenscrafters we call it accufit. a digital scanning system five times more precise. helping you see perfectly. that's precision. ♪ lenscrafters.
11:54 am
11:55 am
11:56 am
11:57 am
(cheers and applause) >> stephen: that's it for the "report," everybody! good night. good night. (cheers and applause)
11:58 am
(mysterious music plays) (zapping) (electronic pulsing) (burbling) (cool jazz rhythm playing on cymbal) (camera clicks) (lounge music version of theme song playing) ♪ ♪ you and i will be reborn ♪ in a future place and time
11:59 am
♪ if everything our hindu brethren say is true ♪ ♪ in an age of things that hover ♪ ♪ you and i will still be lovers ♪ ♪ and we'll say to ourselves ♪ that was then and this is, too ♪ ♪ doo-doo-be-doo, doo-doo ♪ 'cause we'll still find the happening hot spots ♪ ♪ we'll still cruise the cool casinos ♪ ♪ you'll still fly me to the moon ♪ ♪ although the moon ♪ to which you fly me could be phobos or demos ♪ ♪ the psychic worms from rigel nine ♪ ♪ who control everything we do ♪ ♪ will make us think that was then ♪ ♪ and 3010 is exactly the same as 1962 ♪ ♪ don't expect any changes, my friend ♪ ♪ that was then and this is, too. ♪ (glass shattering) bender: wow. mars vegas. long live the eternal city. two, one, zero!


info Stream Only

Uploaded by TV Archive on